#1 Herb

What do herbs carry in their satchels that they need convenient access to whatever is inside while at nightclubs? Grapes? A back issue of Wired? Naomi Wolf’s ‘The Beauty Myth’? E tabs? An Obama-shaped buttplug? Scientists are baffled.

Other trademarks of the species herbisaurus maximus:

He goes straight to the leg press machine at the gym because he has no upper body strength. And it’s easy to stack a lot of plates on the leg press without actually exerting much effort.

He only exudes confidence around women when he’s already in a relationship. The herb will turn into an unstoppable and slightly creepy parvenu of flirtatious banter when he knows he has a girlfriend to fall back on. If his practice target reciprocates, the herb will suddenly get nervous and start babbling about having to go to Bed, Bath and Beyond to buy his girlfriend scented tub stickers.

Related to the above, the herb is happy when in a relationship, morose when single. A herb who has been in a rut for longer than six months will sweat droplets of pure estrogen.

The herb constantly white knights, subconsciously hoping it will lead to sex. It never does, and the herb never learns. This white knighting instinct can be particularly annoying to the herb’s buddies. Try it and see for yourself. Example: Herb’s friend negs girl. Herb intrudes, “Hey, man, that’s not cool. Her shoes are fine.” Friend loses pickup momentum as herb monopolizes convo with girl, emoting furiously about the latest indie band.

The herb is more flexible than most female gymnasts. He does 1,500 Kegels a day, inadvertently.

The herb is not gay, but sometimes wishes he were, because he is that open-minded.

Herbs are vegetarians. Super herbs are vegans. Meat eating herbs will indulge in private, away from scornful female peers. Almost all the herb’s peers are female LJBFs.

Herbs have never — not ONCE — acquired a girlfriend by picking her up. All the herbs in the world met their girlfriends through social circles.

There are many subspecies of herbs, but the one thing they all have in common is lumpenbeta passivity. Not only does the herb have no concept of game, he will be actively repelled when you try to explain it to him. He doesn’t understand why men need game because he is happy with his chubby 4 girlfriend.

Now there are Japanese herbs! The herb has gone international!

Typically, “herbivore men” are in their 20s and 30s, and believe that friendship without sex can exist between men and women, Fukasawa said.

The term has become a buzzword in Japan. Many people in Tokyo’s Harajuku neighborhood were familiar with “herbivore men” — and had opinions about them.

Shigeyuki Nagayama said such men were not eager to find girlfriends and tend to be clumsy in love, and he admitted he seemed to fit the mold himself.

“My father always asks me if I got a girlfriend. He tells me I’m no good because I can’t get a girlfriend.”

Midori Saida, a 24-year-old woman sporting oversized aviators and her dyed brown hair in long ringlets, said “herbivore men” were “flaky and weak.”

“We like manly men,” she said. “We are not interested in those boys — at all.”

It can no longer be denied; I have my finger on the pulse of trends in first world decay. What will be the next meme to capture the world’s imagination? Stay tuned!

No herbs were harmed in the writing of this post.

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