Beta Royale: The 2014 Beta Male Of The Year Contest

2014 is in the history books, and that means it’s time to put the travails of the past year’s most pathetic beta males on display in a cleansing ritual of public humiliation.

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BOTY Candidate #1 is Jason Stanford, a real shitlib who spends two pages excusing his wife’s decision to leave him forever for a one-way ticket to Mars, and snarking at internet commenters who, rightfully, question his wife’s commitment to him and their marriage.

More to the point was “buck,” whose keen insight resulted in this trenchant observation: “Going to Mars and abandoning your husband and children forever? Brave? Hardly. Selfish? Most definitely.”

Sonia had not learned the first rule of the Internet: never read the comments. Excited to see the reaction to the story, she read, aghast, as strangers sat in anonymous judgment of our marriage. What started as a brave woman claiming her ambition had become a public hazing.

“I want you to tell me honestly,” she said, tears welling in her eyes. “Am I being a bad wife?”

Neil Armstrong probably never had to ask his wife this.

That’s because Neil Armstrong had a return trip ticket which his wife expected him to punch. Oh, that and the fact that the sexes are psychologically different, and women can’t help but admire and romantically desire adventurous, risk-taking men.

If she goes the distance, I will evolve into a professional astronaut wife, […]

I’ll be Mr. Sonia Van Meter for the rest of my life, showing up to cut the ribbon at Sonia Van Meter High School and telling her story here on Earth. I joke about endorsing products (“While my wife is exploring Mars, I’m doing the laundry with new Cosmos Detergent. It’s out of this world!”)…

Beta males secretly wish they were born female, in the pre-feminist era.

And though remarrying isn’t an option

Scarcity mentality. Whatta brave Narrative Conformist.

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BOTY Candidate #2 was submitted by reader trbowman. We’ll call this beta, “Sorry to bother” guy.

Hello. I’m a big fan of your site and I think I’ve learned a lot so far, and continue to peruse the archives in an effort to learn more. This gal I follow on twitter posted a screencap of this guy who asked her out via facebook message in pathetic fashion. Where does one began with this debacle? I quite literally cringed reading his side of the conversation. Could he be an OMEGA of the month candidate?

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Overly logical? Check. Excessively deferential? Check. Effetely passive-aggressive? Check. Defensively cagey? Check. Socially awkward? Check. Self-sabotaging? Check.

“Sorry to bother” might be the clearest three words that describe the beta male psychology. It really says it all.

“I’m sorry to intrude into the shadow of your mile-high pedestal I have constructed out of roses and love poems with my insolent male protuberance. I shall endeavor to make my presence as unobtrusive and unremarkable as my desperate unslaked horniness will allow, and heaven forfend if my simple offer of an asexual chat should distress you in any way, but as I said, it’s all up to you, and by the way… haha?”

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BOTY Candidate #3 is Michael Tolvo, a stalker niceguy with NO ULTERIOR MOTIVE who just likes to message birthday wishes to a girl he doesn’t know, year after year, because his penis is bursting with that much unspent semen his heart is bursting with that much love.

Ya know, if after four years your beta orbiter strategy isn’t working, you might want to consider trying something less cowardly. There are only so many hours in a life.

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BOTY Candidate #4 is the skinnyfat masochist in this picture:

I understand that self-deprecation can occasionally work as a courtship tactic, along the lines of the Handicap Principle, but there are limits to just how shamelessly one can embarrass oneself before the girl starts to take him at his self-abnegating word. Indulging a fuggy fug’s sadistic urge to insult you, and taking it all in with a smarmy, self-satisfied grin on your face, crosses that line from charming ironic posturing to cringing loser groveling. Lena Dumpham approved.

This beta would have instantly elevated himself to alpha status had he been wearing a shirt that read, “I’m with Fatty”. But he didn’t, because character is destiny.

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BOTY Candidate #5 is a beta male of incomparable cluelessness.

A common trait of the species betamaleicus menstruatius is a pronounced urge to assume the best of any woman, no matter the countervailing evidence, and to accept the worst about himself, no matter the insult to his manhood. Short of sitting in a corner and watching his girl take another dick in her hole, there is no evidence in the world that will cure a beta male of his scarcity mentality. He will find a way to reconcile his cuckolding, because he’s that hard up for pussy. (Or he believes pussy is that hard to acquire.) And so what you get is what you see here: A beta who believes his woman’s flimsiest lies and reinforces his infinite weakness with a clingy “I love you baby” coda.

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The voting:

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