Hamster Of The Month

This is the first of a new series called “Hamster of the Month”, or HOTM, in which the best (worst?) female hamster rationalization is highlighted each month and awarded the prize of helping men see the true nature of women. We thank you. ladies, for your service to the cause of knowledge dissemination.

At the end of the year there will be a Hamster of the Year award for the woman who makes the biggest fool of herself excusing the behavior of some total asshole she loves.

Our first winner of the HOTM goes to none other than… drumroll please…

Rihanna!

Here she is, puppeteered by her roided up hamster, explaining why she chose, again and again, to fly back into the arms of Chris Brown, the man who pummeled her face with fists of furious love. She was obviously unable to do without his alpha charms.

‘Because as angry as I was – as angry and hurt and betrayed – I just felt like he made that mistake because he needed help. And who’s going to help him? Nobody’s going to say he needs help, everybody’s going to say he’s a monster, without looking at the source. And I was more concerned about him.’


That is some rye-cheeee-us hamstering. The hamster is strong in this one.

For the readers who are prone to bouts of comforting delusion and head-in-sand syndrome who may be tempted to excuse Rihanna for her overbearing nurturing instinct, please note that beta males do not get the same allowances from women that alpha males like Chris Brown get. When beta males make a mistake — a beta male-ish type of mistake like, say, being too dutiful a provider, or too effuse with flattery, or too unromantic because of fatigue from long hours spent at the office — their women will have no trouble, no trouble at all, leaving them and staying away from them. You will rarely, perhaps never!, hear a woman excuse her incorrigible beta male boyfriend’s mistakes by saying “He made a mistake because he needed help. And who’s going to help him besides me?”

Nope. What you are more likely to hear from a woman who has complaints about a beta male boyfriend is this: “He’s too needy. I felt smothered. He should meet someone who can appreciate him.” And, like magic, she’ll be able to leave the beta male without any problem, unlike those alpha males who are mysteriously difficult to leave because… oh, I don’t know, pick your rationalization: fear of kidnapping, fear of homelessness from losing his support, voodoo hexing. Funny how women never seem to worry about these consequences when they want to leave beta males. They just get up and go. And they never look back about it on a couch side by side with Oprah.

So, kudos, Rihanna, for letting your hamster demonstrate on high spin cycle to the world that good-looking babes LOVE LOVE LOVE irredeemable badboys. And they love them BECAUSE OF, not in spite of, their assholery.

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