Have A Herbly Christmas!

Reader writes:

This kid just put it up as his facebook picture for the world to share in disgust.  Who took this picture? His coonty girlfriend who is about a 4.5.  This kid in college was the definition of beta, a perpetual LJBF victim who seemed to relish in it. Merry Christmas man.

I understand there is a tiny minority of men who have a cuckold fetish. In the same vein, there are probably self-pity whores out there in circulation who wallow in their failure with women. We all know that one supreme beta who gleefully recounts in lurid detail his endless fuckups with women. He is a veritable self-deprecation machine. It is as if in the telling of his miserable tales he will find redemption and the holy cosmic karma will look kindly upon him soon with a bounty of plain jane pussy.

A Facebook Christmas photo is the internet equivalent of mailing a Christmas photo postcard to friends and family. Some people still do it the old-fashioned way. Christmas photo postcards are a window into the soul of the sender. You’d be surprised how cavalierly people reveal their inner torments when they’re mailing out Christmas photo postcards to friends. Singles will pose as… singles with ridiculously forced smiles and a pet dressed in royal garb. Married couples with kids will pose as… married couples with premature wrinkling who stopped having sex five years ago. And fun-loving unmarried couples without kids will not send a card at all. (But when they do, they send Dos Equis.)

There is a holiday card hierarchy, and it goes like this:

  • Not sending a Christmas card of any sort — alpha
  • Sending a parody of a Christmas photo postcard with you and your lover dressed in gaudy reindeer sweaters as you steady a ladder while she puts the star on the tree, and you are looking up her dress with a huge shit-eating grin on your face. Underneath the photo are the words “Nice beaver!” — alpha+
  • Sending a Christmas photo postcard of you and your girlfriend/wife — beta
  • Sending a Christmas photo postcard of you alone — lesser beta
  • Sending a Christmas photo postcard of you alone with your cat — greater omega
  • Sending a Christmas photo postcard of you alone with your cat that you have dressed in a Santa hat and beard — hard omega
  • Sending a Christmas photo postcard of you alone with your cat that you have dressed in a Santa hat and beard and the cat looks like he wants to LJBFB (Let’s Just Be Feeding Buddies) you — WAYSA?

I really hope none of my readers sent a non-jokey Christmas photo postcard to anyone this year. This blog has standards, people.

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