“I have a police record. What do I tell girls?”

A reader who has funnily enough remained anonymous demands to know at gunpoint:

I’ll cut right to the chase. I have a police record. Not for anything too bad, but bad enough. I was younger and stupider. Should I bother telling girls about this? I figure they’ll find out anyhow by searching my name online.

Good news! Police records are practically neon signs flashing ALPHA MALE over your head. A little taste of the ol’ ultracriminality — just a wee bit, mind you, guv’nor — is crotchnip to maximally fertile women from all socioeconomic stratum. The bleatings of the femcunt and limpwrist brigades to the contrary notwithstanding, bad boys are attractive to emotionally stable girls, and *especially* to emotionally stable, professional yuppie chicks who are surrounded on a daily basis by mincing beta herbs with balls crafted from tofu. Aggro urban lawyercunts are particularly vulnerable to the charms of the convict contingent.

Now a few caveats are in order, lest you mistake women’s love for jerks and malcontents to be without preconditions.

– A certain subclass of criminal activity is kryptonite to kooch tingles. Pedophilia, sexual assault, solicitation, public masturbation and/or exposure, and restraining orders are the kinds of omegaboy stigmata that signal “loser” rather than “sexy badboy”. If you have these marks on your record, consider an identity transplant.

– DUIs are another one of those character blotches that scream “loser”. Maybe at one time getting arrested for driving drunk was the mark of the rebel badboy, but today, owing to the crime’s association with illegal aliens and skid row left behinds, most women are liable to think a DUI conviction just means you are stupid, and not stupid in the good, recklessly adventurous, way.

– Hardcore criminality — e.g., murder, druglordship — are attractive to hot chicks in the lower classes, but tend to scare away your average SWPLly upper class girls. (And by “scare away”, I mean “scare away, but goddamnit, despite my moral revulsion why do I tingle so hard when he’s standing before me?”) The way to attract a higher class girl if you are burdened with one of these major convictions (and you have somehow managed to avoid extended prison time) is to remember the classic game adage: CONTRAST IS KING. A chick who knows, or is about to know of, your criminal record, will find you unbearably intriguing if you present yourself well-dressed and articulate, sprinkled with a dash of emotional accessibility announced by a tactically furrowed brow and brooding sideways gaze.

My advice to you is to refrain from bringing up the subject of your police record, unless context allows, in which case you may refer to the tactically furrowed brow maneuver mentioned above. Blurting it out offhand is going to come across weird and legitimately scary. If a girl likes you enough to search out background info on you, she will more than likely experience a torque in her attraction for you when she stumbles across your dark secret. “OMG, he seemed so nice and funny! I can’t believe he stole a car! Wow, this guy is bad news. I think I will text him right now to tell him how bad he is. Yes, I really can’t wait any longer to text him about my disapproving feelings for him.”

On the next date, when she brings it up (and there’s a chance she won’t, figuring the delicious drama will last longer if she waits for you to bring it up first), you may execute the brow furrow and sideways gaze and then mutter into the empty space of middle distance, “Those were tough times. I can’t… I can’t talk about this.” Then, if the girl is a real hottie, like a 9 or a 10, ratchet up the flirty tension by making a slow move for the door as you say these lines, as if you’d rather leave her than dredge up your past. Like the cops from that long time ago, she will chase you down instead of letting you go.

Final note: if you are truly worried that your police record will cost you lays and love, you should consider the misinformation move. Just toss out a nickname you go by so that she can’t find your record online. If, at some distant future date, you and her are still together, you may reveal the full extent of your badassness. It will be like love is blossoming all over again for her. She will remember the moment as possibly the greatest gift a man has ever given her.

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