Couples place a lot of irrelevant demands on each other in a selfish
effort to ensure the purity of their relationships. As soon as the
demands start ratcheting up and the substance of the demands becomes
less comprehensible you can bet that the complaints are coming from a
place of insecurity. It is a sign of impending breakup to have to pay
tribute to unreasonable requests just to keep the happiness flowing.
The fact that I keep naked pics of my exes on my computer provoked
one of these insecure pout-fests from a girl I was seeing. She had
“come across” them and wanted me to delete the pics to reassure her that
I was not stuck in the past pining for a girl besides her. I
rationally (as only a male can do) explained to her that the pics were
keepsakes, like any other cherished memory, and deleting them would be
like whiting-out passages from my autobiography and turning my back on
what made me who I am today. They were no different than stored
childhood photos or crayon drawings from 2nd grade art class. The part I
left unsaid was that the naked pics would provide excellent
masturbation material in my old age.
Just when she was at the frothy height of her indignation she got a
call from her ex-boyfriend, with whom she was good friends, and I
noticed the ringtone was a chirpy musical number I hadn’t heard on her
phone before. I waited for the call to end then pulled out my cell and
dialed her number.
*beep* *beep* *beep*
The default ringer!
“So you’re giving me a hard time about ex-gf pics while I don’t
even merit a personalized ringer?! I get the default? Not even the
halfway decent default either… my important calls get the most basic
factory-installed beep. And your ex gets Vivaldi’s Four Seasons?”
“It costs money to get these ringers! Why should I spend money
on a special ringer for you when you keep pervert pics of your exes?
How do I know we’ll even be together in a month?”
“You didn’t know about my pics until today. But that
extra-loving ringtone for your ex has been in your phone since you guys
Back and forth we went, building to a crescendo of angry wild boar
sex. Most times the force of a woman’s emotions is enough to win her an
argument despite the total lack of justification, but not this time.
In reality, the ringer issue didn’t bother me in the least, but I knew
that in a girl’s mental landscape an unfavorable ringer discrepancy was a
clear act of relationship mutiny, so I played it for all it was worth.
Pretending to be shocked and wounded, I filled her with guilt, until
she dropped her demand and stalemate was reached. The naked pics stayed
safe for my viewing pleasure.
I would’ve won in a court of love, anyhow. Ex-GF nudies are
obviously less dubious than being a third-stringer on the ringer team.