Reader Mailbag: Drunk Iambic Pentameter Edition

I was inspired by Roosh’s “Poetry Girl” posts, so I will be answering this edition of reader mailbag in iambic pentameter. I was buzzed when I wrote this.

Email #1

Is it wise to # close more than one woman in the same venue? There are 2 fields of thought here: the most common one being the jealousy plotline; things could only work in your favor but I seem to think that you come off as a player thereby lowering your chances with a quality girl because she might believe shes just another #. Thanks for reading!

K.

when your game is tight and chicks are squirming
digits are second class to same night boning
but sometimes that number is your only lover
so isolate that chick in a corner undercover
minimize exposure to target reacquisition
flip that phone open down low out of vision
otherwise stop whining about being seen
chicks may bitch but they dig the roving peen
if another lady asks tell her cheekily
“i didn’t know we were married. i’ll be home by three.”

Email #2

Let’s assume that you’ve decided to procreate (ya, ya, I know…just bear with), and you find yourself the father of females. The question is: what are your guiding principles when raising them? What advice or information do you wish them to have?

-MF

procreating brother
listen right
daughters are trouble
life ain’t black and white
keep your standards double
and your hypocrisy tight
pull your son aside and give him condoms
and a copy of mystery method and my bloggings
send him on his way never the fool
with my words of wisdom: “three date rule”
then pull your daughter aside and be real firm
“keep your legs shut and your hands off the worm
you’re a princess you’re a queen
you’re worth more than heaven
make those boys wait till your seventy-seven
don’t try to slum it with assholes and herbs
and don’t slut it up cause that’s what you heard
your window is small, by 30 it’s closed
you want lawyers, kids and money?
keep it scarce till you’re betrothed
and no, you’re not gettin’ a fucking clit piercing

Email #3

Subject: fat ness

So my husband and I read your blog. We are both fans of PUA stuff and have been for a zillion years… even before it was the in thing.

Anyway, he and I were talking yesterday about how you hate fat people so much. And we agree that certainly you are allowed to have your own taste in visuals… nothing wrong with that…

But the idea that chubby girls don’t try, aren’t good in bed, aren’t smart etc doesn’t make much sense.

Sure some fat people are lazy and dumb… and we all agree they are not as nice to look at. However, overall it appears to us that a regular chubby girl that tries to look decent, has a job, and is of average intellect … that they do try harder.

Curvy women appears to need to try harder and they do… and why is that a bad thing? Sure if you don’t want them as arm candy great… but they do try harder in bed, they do work harder in a relationship, and they do overall appreciate their partners more.

Are you really going to reject them in all ways in your life just because they aren’t 10’s? Again,  we are not talking about visual taste here… we mean by everything else…. if they do try, work, and achieve more because they have to overcome and that trying hard benefits you.. why would hate them so?

Just a question we were talking about yesterday in the car

J and A

Also, I thought it would be great if bears (or any animals) actually had the evolutionary trait to pick a fatter person… it just makes sense. At this stage though a bear would not pick someone just because they are fat… they would pick anything that they would eat.

so just how fat are you?
300 pounds?
i’m guessing by “chubby”
you mean “equatorial round”
let’s keep this straight
let’s keep this true
what i feel ain’t hate
it’s disgust. pity too.
life is as fair as lion infanticide
no rhyme nor reason just ugly on all sides
there ain’t no getting around it
men like slender babes
guys who claim otherwise
are consoling their brains
and fat chicks try hard
and their personality sparkles
cause they gotta bring *something*
to atone for their waddle
so cut out the bullshit
turn down the noise
and try harder on what matters
drop the chunk for his loins
on second thought
if you want to stay married
best not increase your options
or you’ll see your hubby with new clarity
and trust me on this
cause i speak from my life
it ain’t easy being virtuous
when you’ve got a shot at vice

Email #4

Need some FAST help here to keep me from leaving for the summer on a beta note.

My first year at college is wrapping up in a week. I’m not sure how to handle the girls who i’ve been casually flirting with before the four month-long layoff between now and the fall. I’ll be living in a completely different city. Should I write them a smarky Facebook message? Just cut the contact off cold and come back hard  in September? Or some idea i’m completely missing?

Guide me to safe shores with your lighthouse of Alpha advice.

-A.J.

wtf is this “casually flirting” shit?
have you no sack?
i want to remind you life passes real quick
so always be closing
don’t be a beta hack
you’ve got one week left
that’s 168 hours
to smash that warm bun
and go home a champion
fuck facebook fuck myspace
and fuck twitter too
those are female playthings
attention whores use
face to face son
balls front and center
you are a spartan
not a pissboy contender
you’ve got no time
to send cutesy IMs
so just post pics
of the summer girls you’re bang-ing
and lo and behold
like sun follows rain
september will come
and you’ll be on top of your game.

piece out, governor!

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