Reader Mailbag: Macropenis Edition

Trimegistus asks:

I’d like to hear your thoughts on why women seem to be more open to situational bisexuality than men — the old joke about “all women are lesbians after six drinks” comes to mind. What advantage does that offer them, either in the evolutionary or sexual marketplace?

I have a religious/intuitive answer to that, and a scientific/rational answer.

Re/I answer: Women are the more physically fetching sex; soft, curvaceous, neotenous, vulnerable. Therefore their touch is desired by other women as well as men, and the disgust reflex that usually accompanies thoughts of same-sex intimacy in both sexes (gays excluded) is subdued in women. The subconscious imperative to protect her eggs clashes with her yearning for physical pleasure, and in many women this can be conveniently resolved by enjoying the closeness of other women, a treat which bypasses the usual assortment of threats that accompany intimacy with new men (pregnancy, rape, abandonment, violence, or, heaven forbid!, insensitivity).

S/Ra answer: Female bisexuality is an in-group adaptation that firms up (heh) social bonds and increases the likelihood that a woman’s children or future children will be able to enjoy the group’s resources.

I’m sure there are plenty of other explanations, so have at it you beautiful star-nosed moles!

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A reader who shall remain anonymous asked:

I am a 22 year old that experiences success with women in my age bracket/social class (swpl types) partly thanks to your blog which connected the dots for me.

I am presently borderline obsessed with a 30 something tattooed bartender. She’s a prole but relatively intelligent/oozes sex appeal… Basically I must have her.

I can tell she thinks I’m cute but my typical game doesn’t work on her and I don’t think she takes me serious sexually. Also, I only see her when she works, not in social settings.

I understand this type of woman isn’t your cup of tea but I’m obsessed and would love any tips from outsiders.

Not my cup of tea? Minus a few years, I love the uncredentialed but sassy smart drink-slingers with sex appeal. They’re my only weakness.

You have an uphill climb to bed this girl. Women generally don’t like the idea of dating considerably younger men than themselves, and even sexual flings can be off the table if the guy is too much younger, as might be the case with you and your bartender dream girl. If she doesn’t know already, I suggest you lie to her about your age.

Other than taking steps to minimize the age difference, you should game this girl like you would any service worker who was closer to your age. Which means, you have to avoid being seen as her “customer”. That’s the dynamic that will kill your chances to bed her more than anything else. At the same time, you can’t just be some random weekender goofus off the street; you have to become a regular, preferably during the week when she’s got more time to chat.

You square this circle by making yourself more familiar to her but by not buying too much and never overtipping her. Weeknights and weekend afternoons (assuming that’s in her schedule) are going to be your time to shine. On weekend nights, if you go to her bar, be sure to be seen by her in the company of other women. If her bar is a hot spot, this will be easy to do. Just open a nearby set and have some fun. Preselection is king.

I’ll say it again: PRESELECTION IS KING. It doesn’t mean you have to be making out with a hard 10 in front of the bartender. A successfully pinged preselection radar could be as simple as talking to a girl sitting next to you at the bar while Sex Appeal pours beer and watches you out of the corner of her eye.

Next, you really want to get the bartender out of her work zone. The bar is like a force field, or a giant roadblock, effectively rendering you an outsider to her world. You need to extract her from her padded bubble girl bar area. Something to do is befriend a bartender and the staff and join them in the back room after hours for a smoke or airplane shots. It’s much easier to game her then when she’s stripped of her bartender power. Bartending is a huge contextual status boost to men and women, and a girl who has that power will be harder to game. Remember, half of game is creating and projecting a status differential between you and the girl.

Besides the aforementioned after hours option, you should try to get her out on a casual date when you know she will be less harried — drinks at another bar after she’s finished her shift, or afternoon coffee before her shift. The coffee chat before a shift is a good option because she won’t feel the pressure of a “formal” date, since she knows she’s heading to work in a short while anyhow. If my experience is any guide, bartender chicks really hate conventional “expectations” dates. They prefer extremely casual, maximally plausibly deniable, meet ups. Or hook ups, if she’s really into you.

Avoid at all costs hanging around the bar like a needy puppy dog waiting for scraps of attention from your bartender girl. There is nothing more unattractive than for a woman to see you still at the same spot, waiting for her return, after she has gone off to do something useful with her life. If you like your seat and want to stay at the bar, make sure there are other girls in the vicinity with whom you can interact. Otherwise, say a few words to the bartender, and then take off. Meet up with her later in the night.

When you get into long-ish convos with the bartender, don’t talk with her about her job. You’ll only feed her perception of power over you, and that is what is known in the real world as anti-game. You want to minimize the looming presence of the mahogany bar blockade separating you and her as much as possible.

There is a tacit Rule of Bartending (and Stripping): Don’t fraternize with the customers. If you close the deal with her, keep it on the DL. I knew a guy dating a bartender who would be cold as ice to him when he showed up at the bar to say hello. It drove him nuts. I had to explain that she’s doing that to preserve her status within her industry. If he just had some patience and understanding, she would reward him with plenty of ass when they were alone together.

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A reader wants to know what qualifies as the ideal relationship timeline.

I’ve been curious to know what, in your mind, an ideal LTR timeline would look like, i.e., major events, milestones, when the first fight should be, when to instill dread, etc. That would be an interesting post.

Ideal LTR timeline:

First date – sex.
One month mark – sex.
Six month mark – sex.
One year mark – pretend exclusivity sex.
Two year mark – videotaped sex.
Five year mark — bon voyage sex and a trade-in for the experience of first date sex again.

I kid! I kid!

Or do I?

Here’s a more conventional LTR timeline that I would consider ideal, assuming the unending sex and convenient trade-in option above was not available to you:

Third date – first sex.
Fourth date – first sober sex.
Fifth date – first facial (hers, not yours, unless you are a manboob).
Two week mark – first prompt reply to her text.
Three week mark – first “real” date (e.g., a dinner, a movie, a charity event, a show at the local indie club, a walk through a quaint town).
Three week plus one hour mark – first pang of jealousy when you see her talking to the DJ.
One month mark – first home-cooked meal that you make for her at your place.
Two month mark – first intentional public exposure to her friends.
Three month mark – first intentional public exposure to your friends.
Three and a half month mark – first minor fight.
Three and a half months plus one hour mark – first minor make-up sex.
Four month mark – first major date (possibly requiring significant cash outlay). Examples: a play, a sporting event, a beach trip, a bed and breakfast.
Five month mark – first little romantic gift.
Six month mark – first “I love you”. From her, you poindexter!
Six and a half month mark – first “Right back atcha” to her “I love you”.
Seven month mark – first “I love you, too” from you to her. Don’t say it more than once. Scarcity is the glow of clits.
Eight month mark – first tentative talk of exclusivity not requiring a signed affidavit from you.
Nine month mark – first talk of impending anniversaries and nostalgia for that “first time you met”.
Nine and a half month mark – first anal. Explain that it’s time for her to prove her love more deeply.
Ten month mark – first major fight that ends when you walk out the door to sounds of her muffled cries.
Ten months plus one day mark – first mind-blowing make-up sex. Break a chandelier.
Ten and a half month mark – first bigger romantic gift.
Ten and three-quarters month mark – first application of instilled dread. Call late “from the office”; make sure sounds of laughing girls can be overheard in background.
Eleven month mark – first flirting with the waitress in front of her.
Eleven and a half month mark – first major fight that ends with you and her talking it out on the couch. Prepare for hours of boredom.
One year mark – first serious talk about exclusivity. Getting harder to dodge now.
One year and one month mark – first talk about meeting her parents.
One year and two month mark – second talk about meeting her parents.
One year and two months plus one hour mark – first talk about why she hasn’t met your family.
One year and three month mark – first faked orgasm.
One year and four month mark – first meeting with her family.
One year and five month mark – first major fight that neither of you are all that interested to resolve.
One year and six month mark – first “recapture the glory” fancy date followed by public sex in an alley.
One year and seven month mark – first talk of marriage.
One year and seven months plus one hour mark – first thoughts of suicide or expatriation.
One year and eight month mark – first infidelity (ideally yours, not hers).
One year and nine month mark – first caught cheating.
One year and ten month mark – first serious, imploring talk of threesome (two girls, one guy, unless you are a manboob).
Two year mark – first time you let it slip to the hot co-worker that you have a girlfriend.
Two years and one month mark – proposal! to move in together!
Two years and one month plus one hour mark – prank retraction!
Two years and one month plus one hour and five minutes – frantic consolation that retraction was a joke.
Two years and two month mark – first soul-shaking thought that this might be the last vagina you ever plunder.
Two years and three month mark – marriage! WHAAAAAAATTTT?!?!??! Unmarried cohabitation! That’s more like it.
Two and a half years mark – first secretive make-out with her lonely friend who just got dumped by a fighter pilot.
Three year mark – marriage!
Four year mark – marriage?!? still?!?!
Five year mark – first kid.
Six year mark – first interest in living in the suburbs.
Seven year mark – first time you find this blog.
Seven year and one hour mark – first bottomless pit of regret.
Fifteen year mark – first gray pube. On her. You die a little inside.

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A reader with 99.9% certainty of troll origins wonders:

i have a big penis. women love it when i pull it out and dangle it in their faces, but it hurts [them] when we have sex. what do i need to do to make it less painful? what should i tell women who are afraid of damage?

I once hit the cervix of a petite asian woman. She squealed from a sudden jolt of pain, and I felt a little bad, although, I felt more pride than guilt. Luckily, there was no damage, and we joked about it afterwards. I would recommend a penis reduction, sir. Just lop off a few inches, like taking the crown off a giant sequoia. You’ll lose all sensation but isn’t that worth the peace of mind you’ll have knowing you are empowering women’s cervixes and sticking it, however feebly, to the patriarchy?

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