Reader Mailbag: Operant Conditioning Edition

Email #1:

First, thank you.  That’s all I need to say for the last 9 months of hitting pussy like an underhanded wiffle-ball toss.  Your advice is golden, and works, and makes me feel better about myself and about my interactions with women.

Bottom Line Up Front: I‘m fucking an 18 year old chick on a regular basis.  She came over to my place to clean last night, (she’s friends with my younger brother – they were both in high school cross country together).  When I got home, my laundry was folded and the place was in much better shape than when I left it.  I was at the bars with a bunch of buddies.  I brought them both some fast food, mostly because I love my younger brother and wanted to make sure he was taken care of, but also because I was signaling my provider potential.  Mistake.

After eating and chatting a bit about the night (I was very vague, but mentioned that it was a lot of fun,) I took off my clothes and went into my bedroom.  At this point, I must admit, I was running a passive aggressive shit test.  I wanted to see if this chick would get off the couch of her own accord, (where my lil bro was playing video games), and come to bed with me.  I should have nutted up and thrown her over my shoulder, but I was drunk and mistakes were made.  After finishing her food, she reclined back on the couch.  I gave her one more chance, “you kiddies don’t stay up too late.” and went into my room and crashed.

This morning, she was not in my bed.  She was still on the couch curled up in a blanket.  (Had she been in my bed I might have forgiven her by giving her doggie style good morning sex, but no.)

I woke her up by being noisy – I was pissed – because I knew SHE knew what she had done, and that now I was being tested.  I wasn’t sure how to react, but in these situations, I normally go with my gut, which said to call her out.  Again, I acted passive aggressively, (stupid!). I ignored her as she stared at me from the couch while I walked around in a towel getting ready.  I went into my room and shut the door and read your blog for a bit, looking to see if you’d written anything applicable about this issue, but was too pissed to concentrate.

Finally, I left for work.  I almost left without talking to her, but gave in at the last moment.  I gave her a peck on the forehead and a one armed hug and walked out the door without making eye contact.

However, on the drive over, I remembered your post on dread, and sent her a text that said, “I’m upset with you right now.  It might be nothing, but we need to talk when I get home.”  Again, I should have acted more aggressively, or just not sent this message, but your dual advice of playing it cool and letting loose the storm of masculine rage when slighted had me somewhere in tepid waters, the result being my responses to her bullshit.

What would you have done?  How can I salvage this, as I honestly don’t feel like I have hand on this one.  I see her again 2pm west coast time, and I’d like to walk into that interaction prepared.

Very respectfully,

~Dr. Drew

I get a warm but somewhat disturbed feeling when I find that an emailer is reading this blog in between bouts of drama with an insolent girlfriend. It’s a little bit trippy, this feeling inside…

Yeah, you screwed up, but not for the reason you think. It wasn’t the provider-signaling fast food itself that caused her to clam up; it was the fact that you offered this food after a night out on the town with the boys. You know what goes through a chick’s mind when a man does that?

“He must be guilty of something.”

And do you know what women do to men they think are guilty of something? They shit test them until the men start to believe they’re guilty of something. You see, a man’s guilt is the soft underbelly that, when exposed, a female cannot resist but sink her claws into and eviscerate. Your fast food happy meal, coming so close on the heels of a late night at the bars without her, was akin to a confessional.

A single instance of resource provision is not inherently beta. The key to successfully navigating the straits between sexless beta provider drone and loved alpha quasi-cheapskate lies in the context. Next time, offer fast food when she’s least expecting it. Hint: not after she could conceivably suspect you of fooling around, and not after she has just banged you.

Now that we know what the problem was, we can safely diagnose the rest of your interaction. It was bad. You made a precarious situation worse with your actions. When a girl freezes up and withholds sex, your response should NOT, under any circumstances, be a peck on the forehead and a one-armed hug. Do you reward a dog with a pig ear for shitting on your carpet? No? Same difference.

The text you sent was even worse. It sounds like Stuart Smalley wrote it. The Stuart Smalleys of the world don’t get laid, they only get elected to Congress with the help of illicit felon votes. You tried to thread the needle between cool, unfazed alpha and take-no-shit-from-anyone, angry alpha. This was unwise. Choose one or the other in the moment. Vacillation is the moisture wicking pad of the female libido. Unfortunately, everything you did played right into her hands. She now has the satisfaction of knowing two things:

  1. That whatever it is that just happened between you two, you were certainly the one to blame, and
  2. That she has assumed control of the relationship, or what’s left of it.

Here is what you should have done when you saw her sleeping on the couch the next morning. Nudge her awake, then tell her to get out, you have stuff to do. Your tone of voice and facial expression should be neutral. She will quietly gather her stuff and leave, or she will whine about talking over whatever it is that’s bothering you. Either way, you have regained hand. Stay in character, and usher her out the door, explaining that you’ll give her a call later. “Later” meaning a period of time no shorter than two days and closer to five days. That is how you punish a woman so that she learns to respect the cocka.

Here is how you can salvage the relationship.

Step One: Mentally demote her to an ex-girlfriend you just dumped. This will put you in the proper frame of mind for future interactions.

Step Two: One week. Absence makes the tingle vibrate stronger. Don’t contact her for a week. Her hamster will do all your work for you.

If you follow the two steps above, odds are good she will call you first. Don’t show your cards right away. Let her talk as if nothing is wrong. Find out her angle, where she’s coming from. Then, when she thinks she has smoothed everything over (assuming she still wants to be with you), you unload the beaver buster:

“Oh, and by the way, if you ever pull that couch stunt again, you and I are through.”

PS: I hesitate to mention the following, because it’s a bit gauche. There are two other, albeit less likely, explanations for why she camped out on the couch to play video games with your younger brother instead of trot behind you to your bedroom.

One, she’s having a fling with another dude.

Two, that other dude is your brother.

Just throwing it out there. Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

******

Email #2

I need some advice:

I was laying on my bed at night with a girl i have been seeing and sleeping for some months. She is a 8 and all was well. Then she asks for some Chocolate. To clarify, she is thin but loves chocloate. I tell her that i have no chocolate in the house. She asks to get her some. I think “Shittest” and tell her, that i will not go out just to get her chocolate. She hits me with “No chocolate, no sex!”. I handle this as a shittest as well an try a “I do not negotiate with terrorists, holding sex hostage, i fight them” approach an start some foreplay. She resists and because i do not want to seem to needy and it is late anyway i said “good night, terrorist” and went to sleep. (

The next day we lay on my bed again and she wants Chocolate again and ask me why i did not buy some. I answer that i told her that i do not negotiate with terrorists and she answers “It is not terrorism, it is a deal”. I ask what i would get for one bar of chocolate. She tells me i would get a blowjob. I joke that this is way to much for just a blowjob. She tells me that 2 chocolatbars would buy casual sex, with three we could try anal if it does not hurt too much, and for ten i could do whatever i want. All this is said with a smirk. I tell her i do not buy before testing the goods and so we have sex (but just the one and two chocolate bar kind, as usual).

What now? Do I never speak of it again because i do not want to make her frame stronger that i have to “pay” to sleep with her or get kinky acts or just get 10 chocolate bars and tell her to be my bitch (and get her an excuse to get slutty)?

Thanks in advance

C.
P.S: if you put this on the page feel free to correct my english

Get the dog to shit on a plate, sprinkle the turd with powdered sugar and drizzle with raspberry sauce, garnish with mint leaf, and present it to her with great aristocratic flourish as a dessert of the finest Belgian chocolate mousse. At the Chateau, we do “2 girls, 1 cup” with a little extra attention to detail. Bonus!: 2 birds, 1 cup, you have made a sly political commentary about the effluvium that issues forth from Brussels.

But seriously, you’re overthinking this. I can’t tell the tone from what you wrote, but it sounds to me that she’s just being playful. Go out and buy a huge dark chocolate bar, come back with it, act as if you are planning to give it to her, then sit down next to her and eat it yourself. When she whines, tell her it’s delicious. When she tries to grab for it, tell her to stop being a baby, she must wait until you’re done eating your part of it. Leave the tiniest piece behind and give that to her. Act like it is a great sacrifice on your part.

If she can’t have a laugh about that, then you have free rein to cheat. There’s nothing worse than a chick with no sense of humor. Oh wait, there is… an ugly chick with no sense of humor.

PS: Ten chocolate bars doesn’t sound like a bad deal for sex with a hottie. Sure beats drowning in mortgage debt and blowing a wad on an engagement ring.

******

Email #3

I enjoy your blog.

How do you feel about giving women nicknames?

This guy I worked with called his girlfriend, “Kitten.” I heard him to talk to her on the phone. I mean, he basically called her “Pussy” every time he talked to her. So, he was superficially affectionate but always reminding her that her worth was between her legs. (I met her, eventually, and she was model hot and was really into him.)

George W. Bush gave nicknames to all his underlings. I used to think it was dickish bullying, but I see now that it’s a superficially friendly way to assert dominance. And it’s still dickish.

Then, I read some woman’s advice about how men shouldn’t give women nicknames on the first date, and I knew that doing the opposite of what a drying-up mid-thirties advice columnist wrote about how the treat women was probably right.

I think that there could be something to this. Maybe in a cocky/funny way.

T.

Nicknames are great. They establish the proper paternalistic male – frivolous female dynamic that is the foundation of all successful and happy romantic relationships. Plus, they objectify women, and almost all women, contrary to the shrieks of dusty muffed feminists everywhere, harbor a secret desire to be objectified by condescending men. Imagine a cock slapping a chick’s face… forever. (plz to make animated gif.)

So you should always give women nicknames, preferably more than one to suit whatever happens to be the occasion.

Some of my personal favorites:

Lovechop.

Little Miss Muffin.

Showgirl.

Sugar Walls.

Miss Minx.

Princess Peach Pit.

Puss n Boobs.

Tits Ahoy.

Twinkletits.

Jujube.

Cock Envelope.

Queef Latifah.

Ho.

Good rule of thumb: the hotter the chick, the sluttier the nickname. It’s imperative that you sexualize a hot girlfriend soon after beginning to date her. Hot chicks have huge egos and crave a man who will bring them down to earth. This bringing down to earth process involves basically treating her like a convenient wet hole.

I’d steer clear of granting mushy or sexual nicknames to girls on first dates. That’s a fast track to disqualifying yourself as a needy pervert. Those are best saved for later on. Early game chicknames should be more teasing, less sexual. Like calling her Red Carpet when she shows up overdressed to an event, or Grace Kelly when she trips on the sidewalk.

Caveat: The uglier the girl, the more careful you’ll have to be about choosing nicknames. Too caustic, and she might start crying. Too sexual, and she’ll think you’re making fun of her. But really, why would you bother?

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