Scar Game

Reader Powers left the following comment:

I knew I looked my best when I broke my nose and looked like a boxer. I predict makeup that mimics scars will become popular among men.

This is a brilliant business idea. It’s true; chicks dig the scar. As long as the scar is something cool, like one caused by a knifing, instead of the pockmarked landscape of acne vulgaris.

I propose stick-on scars for the timid betas, and actual scarification shops for the impulsively brave. Ye Olde Scar Shoppe would feature a licensed thug swiping a butterfly knife just across the eyebrow ridge and halfway down the cheek, which is the perfect kind of scar to tingle ginas far and wide. You would be fully anesthetized of course, unless you want the “authentic” scarification package, where the only pain relief you are offered is a jigger of whiskey and a stick to bite down on. Sure, it’ll hurt like hell, but you’ll walk out of there feeling like a man. As blood oozes through your bandage, girls will gather round in a mass proximity IOI.

Stick-on scars could act like Mystery’s black nail polish — ready to wear for a night on the town and easily removed the next morning before heading into the office. (For a couple of weeks I tried black nail polish. One morning I neglected to completely remove it from all fingers and spent the day explaining to people I had slammed a door on my pinky. The next day it had miraculously healed.)

Some cool stick-on scar ideas:

  • Bullet holes (Not to be mistaken for laparoscopic holes.)
  • Burn marks on the arm or shoulder (Imagine the DHV potential. “Yeah, I ran into that burning house. Who wouldn’t? A baby was crying.”)
  • Cig burns (Only the baddest of badboys would dare cross the mafia. Or cigstache.)
  • An exotic branding (You were captured by Tamil Tigers who adopted you as one of their own. During the initiation ceremony you were branded with the mark of the Shadow Order. Now you roam the earth solitary, a deadly killer with a vague memory of a long lost love.)
  • Missing tooth (“It was five against one. I held them off as long as I could so my ex [Sarah] could run for safety.”)
  • Bite marks in the shape of a great white shark’s jaws (“I punched the damn thing in the nose and fought it off, but not before he took a good chunk outta me.”)
  • Decapitation (If you can pull this off you are a bigger alpha than I.)

Scar game is a subject in which I have intimate knowledge. You see, I have a secret — most of my life I have carried with me a facial scar. I don’t talk about it much because… the memory is too painful… the wound… too deep…

Even now, years later, it’s hard for me to confront the horrible past that gave me this scar as a permanent symbol of my suffering. But the time is right for closure… (deep breath)… It’s a scar from when I was stricken with chicken pox at the age of 9.

Mmm, I can smell your pussy juices from here, ladies. The line starts at the left.

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