The Feminism Shit Test

A reader poses an interesting scenario: what do you say if a girl asks you about feminism? If you live in a big, blue urban enclave, it’s pretty good odds you’ll run into a chick — probably a lawyer or other man-jawed freak of nature — who hits you up with the feminism shit test.

Naturally, the typical beta male, not knowing what the fuck to do in most situations with women except kowtow in abject supplication in hopes he’ll be patted on the head like a neutered shih tzu, would frantically insist his fem-cred is legit. At best, he might “yeah, but” his way through it until eventually caving that he’s on board the grrlpower train.

But we can do better than that! In fact, not just better, but SEXIER. You see, these sorts of politically and culturally loaded questions that girls ask are not just tests for proof of in-group certification, they are also plum-ripe opportunities to demonstrate superior value by parrying her noxiously probing questions in a socially adept manner that simultaneously arouses her and spares your dignity as a man.

Examples

GIRL: what do you think of feminism?
YOU: it’s for old hags and ugly girls.

This was the answer suggested by the reader. It certainly spares no quarter, but is it alpha in the pussy-moistening sense? I think it’s too confrontational. More likely to start an argument or elicit a haughty exit than encourage flirty banter.

Here are some less confrontational but still edgy replies:

GIRL: what do you think of feminism?

YOU:
– great for my sex life!
– child’s play.
– it’s like religion. makes people feel good.
– great! girls buy me drinks now.
– dunno. never ate one.
– fucking LOVE it. premarital sex for the win!
– you mean lesbianism?
– i don’t.
– [for the girls who appreciate dark humor]: it’s cool. my aborted sister was a feminist.
– love it. i’d be married if it wasn’t for feminism.
– it’s bursting with fruit flavor.
– you’ll have to ask my grandma.
– it’s cute!

GIRL: what do you think of feminists?

YOU:
– they’re sexy underneath.
– beautiful on the inside.
– so smart! guys love that about girls. yup, being totally serious here.
– they ask weird questions.
– love chicks who rock the pit hair. shows they’re secure in their masculinity.
– so cute!
– best divorcees in the world.
– love em. most of them are secretly giggling little schoolgirls once you get to know them.
– i’d tell you but then you’d have to buy me a drink.

GIRL: are you a feminist?

YOU:
– i wish, but i was born with a penis.
– that’s what my doctor says.
– when it’s convenient.
– for you, any time sweet cheeks.
– are you flirting with me?
– i’m not wearing any underwear, so, yeah.

Of course, if you really ARE a micropeened self-loathing bitch tittied simulacra of a man one brightly whistled show tune away from double rainbowed gaiety, you could go the Hugo Schwyzer route and proudly declare your feminist bona fides, t-shirt and all, while exploiting your teacher-student status differential to nail 19 year old hypergamous pussy. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But for most betas who don’t have a captive classroom audience of eager beavers jockeying for insider influence at an A in ‘Deconstructing Rape Culture 101′, holding sincere feminist beliefs and being unafraid (ha!) to broadcast those beliefs will not help you get laid. If anything, girls will be turned off by your cloying self-abnegation. Even feminist girls. ESPECIALLY feminist girls.

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